L is for Love, Pt. I

Love, is a choice.

And when we choose to love someone, we are choosing to freely give another person our heart.

The question I have been asking myself lately is: “how did I have the courage to give another person my heart, but yet he did not have the courage to give me his in return?”

So if you’re wondering–yes, I recently had my heart broken. I’ve been conflicted within myself about whether or not this was a wise choice for my third post. Is it too soon? Is it too deep? Is it too personal? It may be all of those things to some of my readers, but I decided that in order for me to heal my heart’s broken pieces, I have to talk about it.

The question you’re most likely asking now is “what happened, Anaston?” For the sake of maintaining some level of privacy I will refrain from going into too much detail, & just say this…I thought I met the true love of my life, the last few months were great & I was happy, & then one day all communication ceased. No, I don’t know why. I was given no reason, no explanation. No, nothing bad happened prior to. No, there were no signs. Weird, huh? I’m still waiting for a camera crew to come out & tell me I’ve been punked. 

I know these days it sounds rather cliché to say “I thought I met the true love of my life” & you may wonder how I came to that conclusion, but I just knew. Before all of the things happened that you do when you date a person occurred, I already knew. It was a new feeling for me, & it scared me at first, but I was elated that I found (or so I thought) the person I was supposed to walk through life with.

So my initial reaction, once I got over the immense confusion & disappointment, was to blame myself. There must have been something that I did wrong. For about a week, I blamed myself & picked apart the pieces of my entire being that I thought caused this to happen. Then, I started replaying memories & conversations trying to find the signs that I obviously missed. I came up empty-handed both times, & all I was left with was a fist full of tears.

It would have been much easier for me to be an angry, bitter, black woman on an “all men are dogs” rampage. But I’m not. Even after my first heartbreak (which happened in college), I wasn’t. And even with this being my second, I still love, love. My heart is big, & when I love, I love hard. I think that’s okay. Even though this has been difficult to deal with, deep down I am thankful for the privilege & experience. I am thankful that I was given the chance to give love to another person, contribute positively to his life, & be shown that (despite the ending) good men do exist. I was given effort that matched mine, & someone who made me laugh like it was another language. It was a blessing, & I will learn from the experience.

My dating life has not been the best, honestly. But I guess the plus side is that it has never been dull. I’ve only been in two “official” relationships in my adult life, & obviously neither one has worked out in my favor. I’ve also found myself in a series of situation-ships that never quite make it to a relationship. Throughout each relationship (even the situation-ships are literal relationships) I have had to decide what I value in a partner. There are times when I have settled just to have someone. There were times when I stayed in a “relationship” way too long & allowed myself to be abused, misused, disrespected, & taken for granted. There were times when I embarrassed myself, disrespected myself, & even lashed out physically. It has taken a lot of self-reflection & prayer to get me to a place where I am okay with my “exes” & the relationships I had with them. I am not ashamed, & I have learned so much, that I believe will make me a great wife one day.

Have you ever had your heart-broken? What did you do to pick up the pieces? We all go through different kinds of heart breaks, & it is important that we put our hearts back together again. It is so easy to let the loss change you in a way that does not serve you. It is easy to become angry, bitter, resentful, but the only person you are hurting is you. You have to let it hurt for a little while & then start the healing process. Ask God to heal whats been hurt & to give you the strength to remain open. Don’t give up on love, or let the world we live in convince you that it’s not out there. It is, & it will find you. Stay the course.

“I have been hurt so bad and I still love so hard. I admire my heart for that.”  x Alex Elle

 

8 Comments

  1. Anaston, this post really touched my heart because I too can relate to everything you have mentioned. Heartbreak is really hard. Sometimes it is even harder to admit or face reality that you are hurt. I know I was in so much denial during my last heart break. I tried to act like it did not bother me but it did. At the same time of me going through a heart break, I lost my brother to Lupus and between the two of those incidents hitting me all at once, I went through such a dark and deep depression that I kept to myself. I questioned my faith, my love and even myself. I went through such a hard time but no one really knew it because I maintained a great “poker face”. I had to realize that before I could have someone else come into my life and try to love me, I had to face the reality that I was hurt and that I was in denial and to shed a lot tears. Tears is healthy. From there, my faith grew stronger. I realized that God was testing my faith and wanted to know that I could remain strong through all my storms, trials, and tribulations.

    Thank you for this!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, heartbreak is really hard. I feel like we, especially women our age don’t ever talk about it, because its so taboo. We think no one wants to hear about how someone broke our heart & left us disappointed…Any loss is difficult, it breaks our hearts in itself, but losing someone to death is even harder & is a heartbreak just the same. I definitely agree that God uses experiences like these to make us stronger & to remind us to always trust in Him. I am so glad that you were able to come out on the other side of two major life changes like that, still being the sweet, kindhearted person you are. Thank you for sharing your story with me, sister! & I’m glad you were able to relate to mine. I love you!

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  2. Hello Anaston. I stumbled across your blog and I want to thank you for sharing a piece of your life for the readers. I find it amazing how the stories we tell can transcend down to someone else’s life and spark a deep connection. Your mission for the blog is truly remarkable. I would like to share my input about this week’s topic, love. It’s such a beautiful yet scary emotion. I’ve had the pleasure of being in love on numerous occasions but in the end never made it past certain checkpoints. I’ve had to learn that those gone relationships aren’t seen as failures, because as you pointed out, it’s a privilege to love and be in love. I think the missed relationships are only around to provide us with much needed experience for the person we are really supposed to be with. Yes, when in the moment of loves strongest embrace we think of no one other than our partner, but once that warm embrace has ceased we are left to think what happened? Well, what was supposed to happen came into place and now we have new learning experiences to carry into the next regrouping phase of life. We have learned what someone must possess to put a smile on our faces, to make us happy. We have learned what frustrates us, what challenges us, what pushes us, what partnership really means. We also learn about ourselves, and what we can do to be better. These lessons only help us become better at loving in the future. These lessons help us recognize quality love, versus momentary love. Time heals the soul, so we know with faith and God it’s going to get better. A shift in perspective can help make this transition a bit easier queen, speaking from experience. I’m not sure if this guy ever gave you an explanation but as a beautiful black woman I know your true love is coming. Keep your head up my sista!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your insight! I’m glad you stumbled across my blog & provided me with a few different things to think of. There were some things you mentioned that I hadn’t really considered, so thank you!
      No I never received an explanation, but sometimes you just have to accept the “I don’t know” moments of life!

      Thank you, again!

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  3. Your blogs are very encouraging. It feels great to know that I’m not alone with this heartbreak that I currently experiencing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! I’m glad they are helping! & no you’re definitely not alone! So many people go through the same thing & just don’t talk about it.

      I pray God heals what’s broken inside of you & that He gives you peace! If you ever need to talk, feel free to contact me!

      Like

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