2020 Vision

(This blog post was originally written in January of 2020, and due to a lot of life happening I did not post it on time. I decided to keep this post pretty much in original form, with a few revisions. The words still hold true, even in April.)

Now that 2019 has come to a close, I am beyond excited about the fresh start that 2020 will bring. Beginning a new year + a new decade feels like the start of something new, would you not agree? But in order to make room for the new things, you have to walk away from the old.

If you are like me, you probably had to let a lot go to close out the year. Despite whatever cliches people claim they do not follow, I always use the end of a year as an opportunity to shed things that are no longer serving me. Be it clothes, shoes, food, or even relationships, it all has to go!

2019 was a rather strange year for me in terms of my relationships with others. I suffered a lot of unexpected loss, honestly. My uncle passed in April, which set a series of events in motion that changed me tremendously and set my world on fire. You see, family has always been very important to me, but my family environment had become very toxic. (I know this is a term that has been so overwhelmingly used in 2019, so bare with me.) In addition to the usual, run of the mill family issues, we were sweeping some deep rooted issues under the rug. The rug was so lifted off the ground because of all of the chaos swept under it, that I finally reached my breaking point.

So I broke. As a result, so did a few of my non-familial relationships. During a time when I needed people the most, the ones I thought I could count on were no where to be found. And when the dust settled, I was met with a lack of empathy + a ton of dislike that had been hidden for so long.

So, I had to sit down and have a conversation with myself about how I wanted to navigate relationships moving forward. Just because things did not work out with a few people did not mean that I could risk abandoning ship and leaving friendships in the wind forever. So, I traded in my old way of doing things, and I learned what I need to do differently. I had to come to terms with the fact that I needed to let some things, and some people, go…for real this time.

The biggest lesson I have learned is that sometimes a door needs to stay closed, no matter who is knocking. I am the queen of second, and third, and fourth chances. I will forgive people and let them right back into my life no matter what wrong has been done. I try to give others the same grace I would want myself, so it is hard for me to stop letting people circle back around. The circle back does not serve me though. Nine times out of ten the relationship continues to display the same patterns as before, and someone ends up hurt. (Mostly me.) On the other hand, I too need to end the “circle back.” I will go searching for people I have not talked to in years to try to rekindle + rebuild something that is dead and gone. But why? Why do I have such a hard time letting go? I am still figuring this out, but I know sometimes I need to be left alone and leave others alone too.

If you never called, never sent a text, never showed up, would you still be friends? This is a hard pill to swallow, too. But I really do not think it’s fair to be the only person putting forth effort in any relationship. The level of effort may change, there will be give and take, but if someone is putting forth no effort at all…you know everything you need to know. Test it out. If you stop texting or calling a person first and you never hear from them again, you might want to keep it that way.

You can tell the story without tainting the characters. This one pretty much speaks for itself, right? Expressing how you feel about a person or a situation that occurred with said person does not have to diminish or defile their character. They are allowed to still be a good person, a good friend, good at what they do, etc. In the same breath, you can, in fact, tell the facts of a story without remotely getting your feelings involved. Let people decide for themselves, beloved. When you talk about a person enough, you start to influence how other people view them and feel about them. Now all of a sudden your venting session has ignited animosity within another person who has nothing to do with the situation at hand. It is hard to keep a neutral party, when only one side of the story is being told, and it is negative. Being on the receiving end of this has taught me to also be careful with who I talk to about an issue or challenge with someone else. Intermingling separate relationships like that can be a recipe for disaster. Most of the time it really is no one else’s business but you + the other person involved. So I check myself before I start telling someone a “story” and ask myself “what is your end goal?.” If I just want to be heard, I probably need to save the conversation for my therapist.

Everyone has their version of the same story, but the truth will always come to light. I am learning to stop defending myself when it comes to the things other people have to say about me, and man, this is hard. Although I am far from perfect and find myself making mistakes, it bothers me when people try to paint a false narrative about me. I honestly think it would bother anyone who is human. After defending myself and my character over so many years, it has become exhausting. People are going to believe what they want to anyways, so why waste the time trying to convince them otherwise?

Ask for what you need. As great of a communicator that I think I am, I have realized that I tend to hold a lot inside. This is mostly because I process things emotionally a lot quicker than others, and it is often hard for me to communicate with people who choose not to address their own emotions. I will let many small things turn into big things and eventually air out all of my grievances, leaving the other person confused. I have adopted some passive aggressive behaviors that I am beginning to notice and address. In order to receive what I require of the relationships in my life, I have to express those needs.

Learn your people’s love languages. I started sending my friends the quiz to find out what their love languages are. I know that I can be a great friend, but if I am not loving someone how they need, it really does not matter how great I think I am. I want to make sure that I really am living up to the “great friend” standard, so I am working on paying more attention to what others say they need from me and being okay with doing just that. I think I try to love people how I want to be loved or how I think they should be loved, and over time I have realized this is quite counter productive.

Speaking of love languages and needs, it is okay to teach people. I have talked about this concept on both Twitter and Instagram—society has convinced us that we are above teaching people how to love us and how to be there for us. This train of thinking destructs relationships before they even begin. People do not have the blueprint for you when the first meet you. They do not know what you need. You have to show them and give them the opportunity to rise to the occasion. This also means that you have to know what you need, but that is a conversation for a later time…

Forfeit the battle to win the war. Sometimes it just is not worth it, okay? I have had many minor issues with friends that caused the end of a relationship when things could have gone differently. You have to decide what is important—the relationship itself or being right? It may be better to agree to disagree than throw away a forever friend over a temporary situation or disagreement. Losing my uncle affirmed for me that life really is short, and some things just do not matter in the grand scheme of things.

So I am sitting down with myself + the people (figuratively) who have to go. I am being honest, vulnerable, and direct. I am taking ownership for my mistakes and wrong doings and I am saying goodbye. Because the truth is, although I let a lot of the wrong people get too comfortable with me in 2019, I really got too comfortable with myself. I am making those necessary corrections now, shout out to Rob Hill Sr.

What, or who, are you sitting down with? Part II of this blog post will discuss the habits + lifestyle practices that I assessed closing out the year and the changes I needed to make. It is healthy to check in with yourself + your relationships when entering into a new phase of life. While you can use the fresh start as a chance to do things differently, do not be afraid to make those changes at any time. A fresh start can be a new hour, new year, new decade.

“The best is yet to come.” x Frank Sinatra

Take care!

Bubble Baths & Self-Care

So it’s almost the end of 2019, & we are still riding the self-care wave. When I first started writing about self-care back in 2016, I was hoping taking care of yourSELF would become more than just a trend–deep down, I wanted to start a movement. I wanted to inspire others to end self-neglect and start taking care of their “Star Player.”

I’m not sure where we have landed, but I feel like an update on my self-care sentiments is necessary.

Before we start to dig deep though, let’s clear one thing up—self-care is anything that you do to take care of yourSELF. It is that simple, beloved. Whatever refuels you, makes you feel good, tends to your needs, is self-care. Self-care is, quite simply, what you make it.

With that being said, it is also important to note that self-care is not always going to look the same. Think of self-care as a journey and not a specific destination. On Monday you might need one thing, and by the end of the week you might need something else. That is okay. The only “finish line” is to maintain a healthy self-care routine–you should always be well taken care of.

I have an issue with posts that tell people that self-care is not “this” or “that”, when whatever aforementioned activity actually could be self-care for that person, at that time.

For example, I always see quotes, memes, etc. on social media that say “self-care is not bubble baths, massages, shopping trips…” Who came up with that rule? Why are bubble baths not self-care? You mean to tell me a massage is not taking care of myself? A shopping trip cannot make me feel better? Eh, I have to disagree with that one.

I recently became a homeowner and have spent the last few weeks moving items from my apartment to my new home. Eek! Outside of the mental stress I experienced during the home buying process, my body has been under a lot of physical stress from the move. I have been lifting heavy objects, organizing, spending a lot of time sitting down or on my feet, etc. My body is tired. Since I am in a brand new home, where no one has ever been in the bathtubs, I decided that I would take a bubble bath for the first time in years. Here’s what that bubble bath taught me:

Bubble baths are, in fact, self-care.

1. There are mental + physical benefits of taking a bubble bath.

Bubble baths are a great way to relax. Studies show that bubble baths promote muscle relaxation, release tension, and increase blood flow. This relaxation combined with the warm water is a recipe for a great night’s sleep. Because our bodies decrease in temperature while we sleep, a warm bath helps increase that drop in temperature. This helps produce melatonin and should make resting a lot easier. Speaking of warm water, bubble baths can make you sweat. If you need a detox, why not use your body’s own natural process? If you soak in hot enough water, your body will begin to sweat, which happens to be great for your lymphatic system. Bubble baths produce serotonin, which is the brain chemical associated with happiness. A nice soak allows your brain to decompress and relax after a long, thought-filled day.

If you’re looking for more information on the health benefits a bubble bath can provide, check out this article I read from Shape here.

2. You only get one body + eventually she will get tired.

I did not realize how depleted I was until I laid back in that bathtub. My body was aching and I had little to no energy. All I could do was just sit there. When I first started the moving process, I thought I was Super Woman. I was lifting + carrying some of the heaviest items, making multiple trips up and down the hallway and stairs (multiple flights of stairs, and multiple trips thanks to the crappy elevator at the apartment complex where I lived. That is another story for a different day though), and sleeping on an air mattress (I wanted to move all of the small things first and then had to wait two weeks to move my bed, thanks to that same crappy elevator). Eventually, all of this caught up to my body. My back was hurting, my legs + arms were sore, and I was exhausted. In hind sight, I should have taken more time to rest. I should have soaked in the bathtub more and allowed my body to recuperate after putting so much pressure on it. I am happy that I was able to physically do all that I did though, my body really made me proud.

3. Just breathe.

While taking the first bubble bath in my new bathtub, I almost passed out…I am being a bit dramatic, but the water was literally so hot that I could not breathe. I had to get out of the tub and grab my water bottle just to be able to enjoy the bubble bath.

If I could count how many melt downs and crying spells I had during the home buying + moving process, I would not have enough fingers to count on. This was an extremely emotional, stressful, nerve-wrecking process. There were so many moments where I felt defeated, was angry, and wanted to give up. I literally had to tell myself to breathe just to move through whatever challenge I was facing. This experience served as a lesson that I just need to breathe + trust God. It all works out in the end.

Still think bubble baths are not self-care? Then don’t take my word for it, try it for yourSELF. My bubble bath recipe includes my favorite bubble bath soap/body wash + epsom salt + a candle lit bathroom + a glass of water + some meditative music. Combine all of that and you will have the ultimate self-care practice.

What is your favorite self-care practice? I challenge you to spend some time doing that today. Think about whatever makes you feel the best, and do it. Simple as that.

“If you’re committed to being your best self, being in tune with your body, your mind, & your spirit, then it’s time you start your own self-care journey.” x Anaston Jeni

Take care!

Pack Light

Listen to Pack Light

*cues Erykah Badu’s “Bag Lady”*

I have been working on a self-care activity for my coaching clients called “the emotional suitcase.” I was first introduced to this concept by Alex Elle and decided to adapt it not only for my clients, but also for myself.

If you were unaware, I am here to tell you: life can be challenging. As we journey through our own personal experiences, trauma and emotions tend to follow. We start to carry “things” around with us that shape who we are, how we feel, and how we navigate being. These emotions get stuffed into our emotional suitcase and start to take up room. Unless we intentionally unpack and evaluate what we are carrying around, we end up not having room for other emotions that we may need to carry. Before you know it, your suitcase is full. Maybe you have added another suitcase, and another suitcase, and now you are carrying around all this “stuff.”

Think of this concept like this–when you travel, you pack items according to where you are going and maybe who you are going with. When you return from your trip, you unpack so your suitcase is ready for the next adventure. So why not unpack emotions the same way? In order to live life as the best version of yourself, you have to consistently unpack & pack the suitcase.

While working on this activity and reflecting on my own suitcase, I realized that sometimes other people try to pack my suitcase for me. This is not healthy, by the way. If you let someone else pack for you before you go on a trip, is it not likely that they will forget something you need or pack the wrong items altogether?

In life, when other people try to pack your suitcase for you this often looks like someone trying to influence how you feel. They may try to explicitly tell you how you should feel or express how they feel so much that now their energy has spilled over into yours.

For example, there may be a shared experience that I am not stressed or worried about, but after talking to a person about the same experience, I am now stressed and worried just because they are. They have now packed an emotion in my suitcase, and I am stuck carrying it.

Moment of transparency: I have opened my emotional suitcase and am looking at all the emotions I have been carrying around. The biggest, and heaviest, is resentment. Resentment is defined as “bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.” Now, do not get me wrong, I am not a bitter person; however, I do recognize that there are some bitter feelings regarding some of the relationships in my life. This prevents me from moving forward with people at times, despite having worked through whatever issues we had previously faced. It also makes it hard for me to see them in a different light, because I am reminded of how I was treated. I recognize that I need to work on this, though, because I do not want anyone harboring resentment against me. But more importantly, I do not want to be bitter in any form or fashion.

Not every emotion in your suitcase has to be negative. There are positive emotions that can be packed, and it is imperative that you make room for these as well. That is why the consistent unpacking process is so valuable. Once you unpack everything you need to be able to pack emotions that will better serve you.

Personally, peace is an example of a positive emotion that has been tucked away in my suitcase. I say tucked away because it is not something that I have always packed and it took me time to recognize that it was even there. Even though I still experience anxiety and stress, it is a lot easier for me to have peace because I am making an effort to remain calm. Things always work out according to God’s plan in the end, so it does help the journey if I am not as worried or fearful.

What is in your emotional suitcase? Stress, anxiety, grief, or anger may be taking up space. You might be surprised and find love, joy, and understanding in there too. If this concept is new to you, it is time to do some work. Set some time in your schedule so that you can truly pay attention to this activity. You owe it to yourself. Life will always have ups and downs, but if you pack what you need, you will always be prepared for the ride.

“Bag lady, you gon’ hurt your back, dragging all them bags like that…One day, all them bags gon’ get in your way.” x Erykah Badu

The With Self Self-Care Toolkit

Self-Care Toolkit PDF

This is a printable PDF guide created by Anaston J. Scott, J.D. for those interested in self-care. Your copy will be emailed to you within twenty four (24) hours of purchase.

$13.00

Anaston J. Scott J.D. created this toolkit with you in mind. This printable PDF guide is for anyone who values taking care of themselves. If you are ready to start doing the work, you have taken the first step! Spend some time “with self” and make self-care a part of your lifestyle.

WHAT’S INSIDE?

The Toolkit defines what self•care is, provides detailed steps on building your self•care practice, and includes exercises/activities to aid you in doing the work.

R is for Rejection

Play “R is for Rejection”

 

 

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re•ject•tion

noun

the dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc.

the spurning of a person’s affections

So let’s be honest, as much as people like to say that they accept rejection in stride, no one really likes being rejected. Personally, I have been feeling like rejection has been walking with me attached to my hip for the last few months. There are jobs I have applied for that I did not get—many, many jobs. I’ve been spurned by people, both romantically and platonic, so lately I have been trying to figure out what I am doing wrong or if there is something wrong with me.

It is easy to focus on the negative when you start to reflect on the “no”s you might be receiving; it can be quite discouraging and even overwhelming. It is likely your ego is bruised and you are trying to pick up pieces of your face after having so many doors slammed in it…but Beloved, during these times you have to ask yourself which outweighs the other—the rejections or the blessings? Most likely there are only a few instances where you have been rejected—and even then, if you look closely enough, I am sure God has blessed you with something greater.

So how do I deal with rejection?

Honestly, I am still working on this. I have been incorporating a lot of positive self-talk in those moments where I start to question myself or the things I am doing. I try to focus on how I feel about myself, not how other people feel about me, so that my sense of self-value remains in tact. I also encourage myself to find the blessings in my life and thank God for those gifts. Creating a spirit of gratitude often softens the blow of disappointment and allows me to shift my way of thinking.

I try to combat feelings of regret. There are very few things that I regret in life—I put forth a lot of effort to be okay with all of the decisions I make regardless of the outcome. This process involves looking at situations as a learning experience and using them for further self-discovery and self-mastery. I ask myself what each situation is teaching me, even if the lesson hurts a bit. Growth is not always easy, but it is always necessary.

How do you deal with rejection? Responses to this particular journal question ranged from looking at rejection as “it is their loss, and at least I tried”; to “remembering that rejection does not determine my value. I am still important, and I am still loved”; “you cannot get everything you want, sometimes things will not go your way”; and “the right job, person, situation, etc. is right around the corner”. There is not one set way to dealing with rejection—we all process things differently. Find a healthy coping mechanism for you and be sure to put it into action the next time a “no” comes to visit.

Rejection is the sand in the oyster, the irritant that ultimately produces the pearl. x Burke Wilkinson

Self-Care, Skincare

(I revised this post in 2019, after it was originally written in 2018. The edits are in pink, while the original content is in green.)

My skincare routine has changed so much over the years! I’ve taken prescription pills, used commercial brands such as Clinique or other dermatologist-recommended brands, & the list goes on. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I am actually happy with my skin! My goals within the last year or so have been to minimize my skincare routine and find natural products to replace the commercial brands I had been using. Finally, I have done just that.

Developing a solid skincare routine is a great form of self-care that is often undervalued. Doing masks and steam treatments not only allows you to take care of your skin, but also gives you time to love on yourself a little, too!

Here’s my simple skincare routine:

Weekly: Detox + Moisturize 

Using the Detox/Cleanse/Heal Mask from The Natural Root and the Sweet Honey 2N1 Deep Conditioner.

You can purchase this product here: Detox Mask . If you’d like to receive 15% off of your purchase, use my coupon code: anaston15.

I have switched from using this product every other day to using it weekly. I spot treat problem areas multiple times during the week if necessary, but I only do a full mask once a week. If I am indulging in a little extra self-care, I do a steam treatment first to open up my pores before putting on the mask. The packaging comes with instructions regarding how long the mask should be left on, depending on your personal skin type. I rinse off the mask with cool water.

I never knew you could “double-mask”, until I watched a skincare video from one of the influencers I follow on Instagram, Jade Kendle (LipstickNCurls). I started using the 2NI Honey as a mask after using the Detox mask to ensure that my skin is moisturized, and this has honestly been a game changer for me because there are days when my skin is very dry and flaky. I either use it right after the Detox or use it the next day. I put the honey straight on my skin and get in the shower and let the steam from the shower open my pores.

Daily: Cleanse +Exfoliate, Tone, Hydrate, Moisturize, Sunscreen

I came across a skincare coach via either a Tweet or an IG post and decided to visit her website–I spent the day reading all the different posts she had on skincare and made a list of the products that I needed to purchase. Her post “Guide to an Effective Skin Care Routine” yielded the most information for me, and you can read it here.

Although my goal in the past was to have the most simple skincare routine equipped with natural products, I have since learned that I was missing a few steps and that there are some chemicals that are good for your skin. I did maintain having a few natural products in my arsenal and have only added a couple more steps.  

  • Step 3: Tone your skin using Dickinson’s 100% All Natural Witch Hazel.

I purchase this particular witch hazel from Walgreens and use it daily. I pour it on a cotton pad and wipe my face to make sure I close my pores and remove any leftover dirt/product, etc. This cleans my skin without over drying it, and it is all I use if I am not using the Detox mask.

  • Step 4. Moisturize using Trader Joe’s 100% Organic Argan Oil.

I purchase this particular argan oil from Trader Joe’s and use it daily. It is lightweight and allows my skin to be moisturized without feeling sticky or weighed down.

On days when my skin is feeling itchy, I will use aloe vera as a moisturizer instead of the argan oil.

What is your skincare routine? When developing your own skincare routine, be sure to find what works for you! Different products will work for your skin depending on your skin type–mine is primarily oily, especially in the t-zone. These are staples in my routine, but it took a lot of trial and error to find these products and to see how they worked with my skin. Aim for natural/organic products that will not be harsh on your skin and that can be used for other parts of your body. For example, I also use the Detox mask on wash day for my hair as a part of my deep-condition routine, and I also use argan oil to moisturize my hair. Remember, less is more!

Take care!

Conversations with Anaston Ep. 2 | My Depression Story

I’m back with Episode 2 of Conversations with Anaston! In this episode I am sharing a piece of my story regarding my experience with depression. Often times we shy away from telling our stories and being honest about the challenges we face with our mental health, so I am sharing my story in hopes that I can continue to encourage others to do the same. So in honor of #TakeCareOfYourSELFTuesday and #MentalHealthAwarenessMonth here is my depression story.

Winter? Is That You, Playa?

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We made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas is rapidly approaching, & the weather is changing– it’s obvious that 2017 is coming to an end! The months of November & December tend to be the hardest for people, no matter who you are, & unfortunately, it’s easy to fall into “seasonal depression” & experience anxiety.

As I’ve gotten older these Winter months have previously been more difficult for me, too. The weather & lack of light cause me to want to stay inside, keep to myself, & sleep. Conditions like these make it easy for me to lose motivation, focus on negative things, & experience deep levels of disappointment & sadness. Because my family is spread out, holidays aren’t as big as they used to be, which can also cause some sadness here & there.

So it is my goal for the rest of 2017 to keep my energy high & full of positivity. I want to maintain my happiness, continue loving myself, & be grateful for everything God has blessed me with. I am determined to make Winter the best it can be, & here’s how I am going to do it:

  1. Write a list of everything I accomplished in 2017. It seems like 2017 wasn’t a great year for many people; my Twitter feed is full of tweets with people confessing how rough of a year it was, how they are ready for it to be over, etc. (What’s funny is that I️ wrote these very same sentences in Block Queen in 2016. It’s really disheartening to see that the same things are happening all over again, a year later.) Though we don’t realize it, negativity like this can fuel depression & anxiety. Why not try a different approach & focus on the positive? What were the good things that happened? How did you grow? This idea was inspired by Myleike Teel’s podcast for the end of the year & it was a great suggestion to end 2017 on a positive note.

This is also a great time to practice gratitude. Once you’ve reflected on all of the positive things that 2017 brought you, spend some time being grateful for these things. Look at how different 2017 was from 2016; look at how God blessed you & kept you safe. If you are living, breathing, & healthy, then you have many things to be grateful for. Sometimes it takes being grateful for small things like clean water or air to breathe, your sight, food to eat, etc. that will push you to recognize the big things, too.

2. Set goals & create a plan. We all know it is popular to set resolutions for the New Year, so use this time to plan for 2018. I will publish a post on goal-setting in January, so I won’t go into much detail here. I set many of my goals in August, when my last year of law school started, so I am going to use those as the foundation for 2018’s goals. Write them down, put them some where you can see them often, & make them happen!

3. Stay active. In every sense of the word. This is the time to kick all of your self-care habits into overdrive. Actively practice self-compassionforgiveness, and love. If you need reminders on how to start those practices, I’ve got you covered. (Each “practice” is linked to my previous posts on said topics.) Spend time doing things that make you happy & relaxed. Actively nurture your relationships with loved ones & yourself. Be intentional. Remember to be physically active–summer bodies are built in the winter, right?

I’m going to try a few new self-care practices in December & revamp some “old ones”. It’s always a good time to make improvements to your self-care routine. If something isn’t working for you or if you haven’t really been doing something, then work on it or change it. For example, I really want to delve deeper into my yoga practice, & become more consistent with my workout routines. So I need to create a different approach to both. Since it’s colder outside (sometimes, where I live) I might not take my daily walk, but I need to be diligent & do it anyways.  I’ve also realized that my relationship with God needs some TLC, so I re-created my prayer journal & plan to spend time reading the Bible outside of church.

This is also a great time to clean your living space. I am trying to practice minimalism (we’ll talk about that later) so I have cleaned out my drawers, closets, & got rid of a lot of unnecessary things. My bed linen is usually black in the winter, so I have switched to all white bedding to brighten my room. I keep my curtains open to allow for more light as well. Try rearranging some furniture, adding a few new pieces, & do some good, deep cleaning. This can help improve your mood, allow you to relieve some stress, get some creative juices flowing, & accomplish something new at the same time.

How are you holding up, now that Winter is upon us? Trust me, the Winter & holiday season can be challenging. Don’t let this scare you though, because I am confident you can get through it. The most important thing is to recognize that you need to pay a little more attention to your mental, emotional, & physical health during this time. Self-care doesn’t have to be expensive. You don’t even have to go anywhere! It is as simple as doing something intentional to take care of you. This is also a good time to talk to your friends or family. If you are having a hard time & don’t feel comfortable seeking professional help, you can always reach out to a loved one. 

 

“People don’t notice whether it’s winter or summer when they’re happy.” x Anton Chekhov

Try a Little Tenderness

 

Have you ever heard the saying that you are your toughest critic? For some reason, we tend to be the hardest on ourselves–always critiquing, criticizing, & analyzing who we are & even the things that we do.

In one of my recent posts, So You Had a Bad Day, I discuss some of the ways I recover from feeling down. What I don’t mention is that days like those can also cause me to beat myself up about my progress (or lack thereof). Bad days can create feelings of insecurity & cause me to second guess myself in areas where I previously felt secure. It’s easy to be hard on yourself at times like these, but at some point you have to show yourself a little compassion & realize whatever it is, it is okay. You’re human, & things happen.

As we are winding down into the last few months of 2017, I have started to focus more on having compassion…not just for the people around me, but primarily for myself. As someone who has experienced depression & currently experiences anxiety, it is easy for me to feel like there is something wrong with me. It is easy for me to pick a part the pieces & be hard on myself in those moments where I feel as if I have failed.

In order to start practicing more self-compassion I am trying to find ways to add practices to my self-care routine where I am intentionally building myself up. One of the ways I have achieved this is by writing myself love letters–you can read about this practice here. I have also started utilizing affirmations. I must admit, when I first heard about the concept of affirmations I was skeptical. I really didn’t believe that telling myself different things over & over could affect how I felt & improve my mood…but now that I have actually given affirmations a try, I notice that they make it a lot easier to love on myself. Here are a few tips when it comes to affirmations:

#1: Start with pre-written affirmations. Practicing affirmations can be awkward at first, so using pre-written ones, like those written by Alex Elle, can really inspire you to write your own.

#2: If you can, write them down. Writing down your affirmations allows you to revisit them throughout the day. For me personally, it’s easier to write them on sticky notes & post them on my computer or put them up around my apartment.

#3: Don’t get stuck on the routine. Although I am trying to make affirmations a part of my morning routine, sometimes it just doesn’t happen. So instead of getting frustrated with myself, I try again the next day. It also helps to still find a few minutes to be intentional throughout the day or reread previous affirmations.

Listen, life is far from easy. There will be bad days, you will make mistakes, & sometimes you will fall. Those things don’t mean that you have to stop loving yourself along the way. Self-compassion means that you recognize these not-so-great moments & you try to comfort & care for yourself thereafter. Self-compassion means that you operate with a certain level of understanding instead of judging & criticizing yourself.

Be careful not to go overboard, beloved. There are days when I straddled the fence of self-compassion & self-indulgence. You must still do the work & recognize the things that you need to work on. Avoiding them will be counter productive, & self-compassion won’t be able to help you.

If you’re not supposed to pass judgment on other people, why do you pass judgement on yourself? You weren’t created to be perfect–humans are not perfect. Compassion is something we all deserve. Spending some time directing that compassion to yourself will allow you to have clarity, feel good, & it should be comforting to know it’s always there. Try writing some love letters & affirmations, & let me know how it goes.

 

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, & that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection.” x Budda

L is for Love, Pt. II

 

I wrote L is for Love a little over a year ago when I was heartbroken, disappointed, & at one of the lowest points in my life. Growing through that experience forced me to put the pieces of my heart back together again & fall in love with one of the greatest loves of my life…myself. Going through a break-up or a fizzling out of a relationship is never fun, & it is rarely ever easy. Figuring out how to enjoy your alone time, love yourself, & get back to happy can be hard, ugly, & full of ups & downs…but I did it. I did it before, I did it then, & I keep doing it every day. In a moment of transparency I want to share with you one of my most beloved practices on my journey of falling in love with myself.

I write myself love letters.


Dear Anaston,
I pray you love yourself. I pray you love yourself wholly, fully & as fiercely as the love you pray for & seek in other people.
I pray you love yourself when you are at your worst. When you are down to the bottom, tear-stained, battered, & broken. When your mind is working against you & you are anxious, afraid, & your faith is wavering. I pray you love yourself enough to recognize when you need to pour into you & that you are never too self-conscious to ask for help. 
I pray you are able to look at yourself in the mirror, stripped from everything that society & the world around you wants you to be & that you are happy with the woman who looks back at you. I pray you love yourself when you don’t get invited to that event & get passed over for that opportunity. When everyone is busy & the only person you have to come home to is yourself…and Pablo.
I pray you love yourself when you stumble & fall in this dating life. When he doesn’t answer your text messages or return your phone call. When you think “this could be something”, but it doesn’t work out. I pray you love yourself enough to stay the course & be confident that God has created the partner just for you.
I pray you love yourself when he comes. When he sweeps you off your feet & all your practice & work finally pay off. I pray that you can wrap yourself up & dive into the love that God talks about in the Bible. I pray you love yourself when you find yourself in love & you’ve traded your heart for his. I pray you love yourself when your routines change, when someone else is in your space, & when you have him to come home to…and Pablo.
 I pray that you love yourself enough to know exactly how beautiful you are. That you love every bump, every hair, every pound, & every inch of your skin. I pray that you recognize your worth, your talents, & your intelligence. I pray that you love yourself enough to be neutral & humble, knowing that you are here to just be you, to serve, & to love.
And if no one else ever tells you that they love you, I pray that you love yourself enough to be rooted in just that…the love you have for you.
I love you,
Anaston

 

Why wait for someone to write you a love letter? One of the things I’ve always dreamed is that my husband will write me love letters (I’m old-fashioned like that), but until & hopefully after he comes, I will write them to myself. Both writing & reading the letters that you write can serve as an immense healing tool as you put your pieces back together. You discover things about yourself that you may have forgotten & you give yourself some much needed love. When you’re feeling down or discouraged, read one of your love letters & refill your love tank. I’ll share other practices that I’ve tried throughout this self-love journey in another post, but I wanted to share what really helped me figure out how to love Anaston. 

Have you ever had your heart broken? How did you get through it? Let’s face it, break-ups & the ending of a relationship doesn’t mean that you no longer love that person, but if you spend time redirecting that love back to you, it’ll soften the ache just a little bit more. 

 

“Today I affirm: I am responsible for doing the work in my healing. I am my own validation. I am abundantly full of all that I need.” x Alex Elle